I just graduated from University. I know… fuck me, right?
Oh, shove that “Congratulations!” so far up into your twat that it gets lost in the same black abyss as that tampon you forgot about last summer. You’re “proud of me”? For what? For becoming a miserable, stressed out, and confused basket-case of a broad who is terrified to put on pants that actually fit and step into the real world? For future reference, avoid optimistically saying that “this is the beginning of the rest of your life” because I don’t want to have to remind you that trading in my childhood dream of becoming an auto-tuned pop star from the UK who breaks up One Direction for a serving position at Browns Social House is not exactly what I intended on doing with the rest of my life. Please, do not say “we should go for drinks to celebrate” unless you will be paying for my three Jaeger bombs and two triple gin and tonics because I. is. BROKE.
By all means, I dare you to tell me that I should “go back and get a Masters Degree if you miss it so much” because A) my brain has reached capacity and B) I don’t want to listen to my peers, aka pretentious hipsters with pomegranite granola stuck in their pube-y beards, talk about biking to work because nobody. fucking. CARES. And how the fuck do they get away without wearing helmets?! There is nothing “ironic” about permanent neck and/or brain damage!!!
Ugh, sorry. My therapist is out of town, can’t you tell? Anyway…
The moral of that whole thing is that graduating university is more of a let-down than I am as a daughter, friend, cousin, niece, coworker, and lover (especially lover…I’m so sorry). The only good thing about post-graduation is that everything smells like chicken wings and cannabis, but that does not exactly compensate for the fact that I have replaced showering with napping and telling people that I need a job. It has only been one week and a half (I think?), yet I already wish I was hung-over in a lecture hall, eating a grilled cheese with extra bacon, dozing off to the sound of an over-qualified professor gab about Noam Chomsky, propaganda models, and FUCK I DROPPED MY FUCKING PEN AND GRILLED CHEESE AND I CAN’T REACH IT FUCK– Wait, what was I saying? …Oh right! Graduation.
For those of you who do not know what university is, it’s like a concentration camp with a Starbucks at every corner. Wait, no; I’m mixing that up with a Catholic high school. My bad! Rather, university, is like one of those really fun Jewish summer camps that your parents unintentionally never sent you to, yet you still heard so much about from that one chubby Jewish kid you met at swimming lessons who later went on to become Seth Rogen, or something. Much like Jewish camp through the doughy eyes of said chubby Jewish swimming buddy, university is an unforgettable, life-changing experience that gives out free shit, and all of the guys are circumcised.
I fucking adored my university experience. I partially worked my ass off to meet deadlines and get decent grades, I learned new things about myself and the world that I had otherwise ignored before, and I watched a lot of weird shit on YouTube by accident until 4:00am. There is a lot a post-secondary education can give you, like a well or ill informed opinion, student debt, or herpes if you’re not careful on Wednesday’s student pub night. I have compiled a list of very important, ground-breaking things that I’ve learned in the last four and a half years of my university career that hopefully make you aware of why I do not want a real job/need my therapist to come back from Uruguay.
PS: Who goes to Uruguay?!
Alas, 19 Things I Learned in University
1. Nobody should call their professors “profs”.
They did not pay thousands and thousands of dollars for that title just so you can abbreviate it because you think you’re their buddy. Newsflash: YOUR PROFESSOR THINKS YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE. And he does not want to go to the pub with you to talk about your stupid paper on Canadian Foreign Policy because it was SHIT.
2. Your assigned study-group members do not want to have sex with you.
Just because they want to meet up with you to work on the class presentation due tomorrow doesn’t mean they want to slay your private parts. And if they do, then #swag.
3. It is impossible to do a bibliography without a citation generator.
I would be nothing without various websites that have created bibliographies for me after inputting very little information about the readings I’ve skimmed. Does that count as plagiarism? If it does, then KIDDING!! I totally know how to write a proper APA citation without looking at a guide, and I know exactly what Chicago Turabian is*. Please don’t take my degree away, I already can’t find it…
*I have no fucking clue what any of it is, but I have had to pee for the last thirty minutes.
4. Money only exists when it involves buying alcohol, marijuana, and/or Aderrall.
5. It is very easy to get distracted by someone eating a sandwich.
I once spent an entire three hour lecture doing this, and I am still unsure as to why I did it/why it took this particular person three hours to eat their sandwich.
6. Everybody in university chews like a fucking idiot.
University students are animals that don’t even chew with their mouths closed, and they only consume foods with the squishiest textures like tofu or bananas. Nothing should permit you to chew like a llama; not even the fact that your parents are paying an estimated $5,000.00 per semester to get you through your Health Sciences degree.
7. ESL students will always do better in school than you NO MATTER WHAT.
Don’t even try to argue with this because you’re more fucking wrong than this statement is politically correct.
8. It only takes 5 hours, 3 shots of espresso, and a solid meltdown to pull an all-nighter and write a B+ paper.
For an A- to A+ paper, you can always add Adderall for an additional $5.00 and have an additional meltdown.
9. Anyone in your classes that you find attractive has a very serious boyfriend/girlfriend.
All. Of. Them. UGH.
10. Clogging a toilet during the break of an 8:30am lecture is a goddamn accomplishment.
Screw the fact that you aced your Macroeconomics exam! What matters is that your Tim Hortons’ French vanilla coffee gave you the runs at peak bathroom hours. Take THAT, staff who decided a class that early is ok…
11. Lip synching Britney Spears “I’m a Slave 4 U” is a valid excuse to be late to class.
12. Sleeping with a professor is much harder than Pretty Little Liars makes it seem.
I have been trying since first year, and not one of my teachers wanted to jump aboard the Rac Express… probably because I refer to my body/genitalia as the Rac Express and notbecause they could get fired. Psssh. I didn’t even think they were that hot anyway…
13. The worst feeling in the world is setting up a work station, and then having to ask some goof watching a subtitled French film to watch your stuff as you go to the washroom across campus because some douche clogged the closer one.
14. It’s extremely beneficial for you to hang out with people who are smarter than you.
These people, who have read every single piece of important literature for pleasure, may loathe your existence and creatively plot your death whilst referencing events in European history. Despite this, you’ll actually learn a thing or two from them every time, and maybe -just maybe- you’ll finally have an opinion on that pipeline bullshit.
15. It is very possible to spend $21.75 at the salad bar on campus.
Thanks, Michelle Obama!
16. You will never understand why people dress the way they do, and don’t try to.
I used to think there were two types of people in the world: people who wore white sweatpants with heals and a hot pink velour jacket, and those who didn’t. Now I know that the categories have broadened and expanded to those who wear nightclub attire, Nike Shox, false eye lashes, hot pink Ugg boots, Kappa tracksuits, etc. Don’t question it. Just smile politely, and ask to borrow their notes as though they were wearing LuLu Lemon sweats this whole time!
17. The “chicken or the egg” argument should be changed to incorporate Aristotle, Plato and Socrates.
Because seriously, who came first? I mean I’m sure they came at some point in their lives with the help of some young, pubescent boys, but I need to know who started the whole Greek philosopher trend. And whose dad is Sophocles?
18. Frat Parties are the only time it is OK to engage in a make out session with a drunk bro/broad who has puked seconds prior.
You could be the most disgusting person in the entire world at a frat party, and it’s not frowned upon. In fact, you are more desirable for some reason! You have Alpha-Beta-Gamma-Phi-FuckYourself’s blessing to piss out that free wine cooler they hand out on a guy’s sandals IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. (teehehe oops)
19. Fuck your stupid lip dub videos and flash mobs.
There you have it. I hope that this list prepares you for the tough years ahead if you are a person thinking about going to post-secondary. If you’re not that person, then I don’t care because I’m exhausted and don’t need this right now. Bye.