Hello there. Evan in his thought chamber.

Evan Elberson is a writer, copywriter, and comedian based out of Chicago. He spends his spare time dabbling in wild flights of fancy, free-form mono-conversation, and biting satire of day-to-day mundanity. Evan has been kind enough to share them here with the Caotica audience. The first in a series of stories and lists from his sharp and incisive mind appears here before you, free of charge, today. Enjoy.

Children

My Brain: Do you want to have kids?

Me: Eh, I don’t think so.

My Brain: Why not?

Me: I don’t know. It looks like it sucks.

My Brain: Then who’s gonna take care of you when you’re old?

Me: Oh shit, I don’t know…

My Brain: Wait, hold on, sorry, with all the money you’ll save from not having kids you’ll be able to afford a pretty kick ass nursing home.

Me: Right. Good.

My Brian: But what about the gift of creating life?

Me: Sounds lame.

My Brain: So everyone who has kids is lame?

Me: Of course not.

My Brain: But your mom wants grandchildren.

Me: I don’t care.

My Brain: Your life will never be complete if you don’t have kids.

Me: That’s not true.

My Brain: That’s why we’re here, to survive and replicate, right?

Me: We’re here because of a bunch of random shit exploded everywhere. Life is meaningless.

My Brain: Isn’t that kind of depressing?

Me: Not at all.

My Brain: But isn’t any relationship you have after thirty going to fall apart if you say you don’t want children?

Me: All relationships fall apart eventually, in some way.

My Brain: Don’t you want your genes to live on?

Me: I don’t give a shit.

My Brain: Don’t you want to teach your son to throw a ball or watch your daughter sing in the school play?

Me: No.

My Brain: All your friends will have kids and you’ll be weird for not having them.

Me: Okay?

My Brain: Are you that selfish? Is it all about you? Your whole life is about you and whatyou want?

Me: No.

My Brain: You’re going to be a sad, lonely old man.

Me: No I’m not.

My Brain: So what do you want?

Me: I want to continue to enjoy things. And I want to build things and make them better. I want to fade away into an idea that’s bigger and better than me.

My Brain: Remember that dream you had about – what is it called, is it dark matter? That thing from that TED Talk?

Me: I do.

My Brain: That was nice, wasn’t it?

Me: It was.

My Brain: But wasn’t there someone else in that dream?

Me: I don’t think so. I think it was just me.

My Brain: But dogs, dogs are great.

Me: Yeah.