via Wikimedia

 

Sister, dear Sisters. It’s not even time for my noon complaints about being tired and overworked and I am already weary of the Pink Tax. Every day my pink razor, pink housecoats and pink pajamas oppress me before I can even eat breakfast.

I am weary but I bear the pink tax gladly. I specifically buy items due to their pinky nature and frequently suffer from upselling when a product or service is packaged in pink.

Grimly we all bear the pink tax in public when the Patriarchy is watching. In our private homes and salons, we whisper about rebellion from the pink tax but I am here today to defend it.

Without the pink tax acting as a cover, we Sisters may have our true colors and patterns revealed: If not for the Pink Tax, we would suffer from the Leopard Print Tax.

No oppressive White Man truly understands the glamour and necessity of daily leopard and zebra print in our wardrobe staples and in our bathrooms. We do not stand in isolation, for our fellow Sis Brothers, the less oppressed Gay White Man understands our need for Mother Nature’s most beautiful thumbprints. Thankfully the 1989 Fabric & Embellishments Protocol has bound them to silence in exchange for straight females tipping bar staff at gay clubs no less than 30% on drinks.

As long as leopard and zebra isn’t taxed, my Sisters and I will be secretly equal to men. They shall believe that we are mightily held back by their pink tax, but the Patriarchy is weak and stupid.

We have successfully tricked them into believing we are oppressed by the models of Victoria’s Secret and its  P!NK clothing line, but in fact, Viccy’s hides our spotted and striped necessities. They cannot pink tax us into oblivion or disregard if we are not truly loyal to pink.

Sisters, we must not speak too loudly about our true love for animal print. We must maintain the facade that the pink tax keeps us down. The patriarchy must not know that we consider leopard to be a true neutral and that it dapples our deepest desires.

We must look to our spirit animal, the graceful Okapi, who hide its stripey butt behind a brown exterior from the White Man until just over a century ago. White Men are racist, you see, and willfully ignored the Okapi until its zebraesque carcass was brought forward.

okapi

The day will come, my Sisters. Unless we destroy the Evil White Men soon, he will discover our secret and bear down upon us a new tax and we will be paying outrageous prices for the thrill of animal print hair straighteners.

And on that day, we must admit public defeat, buckle down and console ourselves. The White Man may tax our pink and our animal prints, but he shall not tax our most precious symbol of femininity: Purses with little hearts in the liner fabric.