A Festivus for the rest of us.

Festivus may have already come and gone, but the Caotica staff are a ornery bunch who believe we have the right to complain 24/7. We were pretty gosh-darned disappointed by 2014 here at Caotica, we have to say. We still have strength, so in the last hours of the year we’re going to air some of our grievances.

Here’s the official Caotica list of things that we need destroyed before we begin 2015.

  • ISIS/ISIL
    Beheadings, kidnappings, child sex slavery, murder en masse, etc. A nice big leap backwards into barbarism for humanity in 2014.
  • “Literally Can’t Even”
    You literally can’t even generate a unique thought.
  • Your Viral Engagement Video
    Your flash mob proposal was a great idea, but you’re not as cute as you think you are and these videos have officially been done to death. Wipe that grin off your face, tell your 6/10 spouse to quit waving her hands in front of her eyes like it will somehow stop her sad weeping, and put that suicide pact into action before this nonsense goes any further.
  • Video Games That Only Work With Patches
    If it wasn’t ready to ship, it wasn’t ready to ship. It didn’t mean sell the thing anyway then force us to patch in later. I was kind of hoping to have fun now, not six months down the road. Oh, we need a subscription to get the patch to use the thing you sold us? It’ll be the last thing I buy from you.
  • Prank Videos
    At least the Jackass guys were only hurting themselves (and their loved ones). I live in dread of the media circus that will descend when some teen gets killed for pranking a stranger, and everyone debates whether it was justified. When this happens, Nancy Grace will devour the world.
  • Social Experiments
    Experiments are scientific. Your “social experiment” is a viral video that shows that people will sometimes return a wallet they find on the street, and sometimes they won’t. It proves nothing, plays on maudlin sentimentality, and provides no useable data. Quit it.
  • The Fat Acceptance Movement
    Few things more harmful to the world got as much steam this year as the fat acceptance movement. Denying science, logic, and personal responsibility, people are now justifying (North) America’s descent into obesity as a natural step in human evolution. Or a perfectly natural and rational choice. Anything but proof of delusion, mental illness and self-harm.

    Body positivity started as a nice idea: why not treat people well, even if they’re fat/disabled/whatever? Civility goes a long way. Then it slid backwards into the “fat is natural, everything else is awful, don’t tell me how to live my life” cesspool, with diabetes for all.Obesity kills, but it only kills in the developed world. Your 1st world privilege outshines anybody’s thin privilege. You’re welcome to pretend it doesn’t, but nobody has to love and appreciate your bullshit. If you need us, we’ll be over here digging your double-wide grave, because you’re too large to do it yourself.

    > See: “SJW” + “Trigger Words”

  • Social Justice Warrior 
    It’s used interchangeably, and has lost all meaning. It’s either used to cruelly disparage people who have the gall to stand up for minorities, or it’s another identity label used by self-aggrandizing ciphers who use standing up for minorities as a centre-post to build a personality around. 

    Obviously, we’d also like to see the abbreviation SJW vanish.

  •  Trigger Words
    I’m sorry that you’re too delicate to live in reality.

    The alternative is that nobody talks about their opinions anymore, because they make people sad. And because reality should compromise itself to fit around everyone’s feelings.

    For example: some fat activists consider pictures of skinny/fit people, such as ads for gymnasiums, trigger-worthy. These are things that exist separately from you, and are not directed at you. Stop internalizing the world.

  • Kim Kardashian
    Yes, she’s been around awhile, but she was somehow even more media-visible in the last year. From her god-awful baby-oil-booty magazine cover to her disgustingly self-indulgent wedding to her terribly named infant, Kim Kardashian is the black hole at the centre of our cultural implosion.
  • SUPER FANTASTIC SENSATIONALIST LISTICLES
    You’ll NEVER believe how LITTLE content you need to produce when you just OVERHYPE the article in its own HEADLINE! Don’t forget to EXCLAIM, and to GUARANTEE the reader that they WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. We’re looking at you, Buzzfeed.

    What happens next is GIFS coupled with stale one-liners. Every. Single. Time.

    The “best” content is in the headline. Not only is there nothing of value in the article, but it’s spread out over several pages to guarantee more ad revenue from the ocean of banner ads and images surrounding the “content”. This is what happens when the worst kind of magazines fall out of physical reality and into the internet.

    Also, please destroy the term “listicle”. It sounds like a sex organ.

  • The “4” at the end of 2014
    It’s literally the thing we hate most about 2014. May it never return.
Ironically enough, image lifted from Buzzfeed.

Ironically enough, image lifted from Buzzfeed.

Well, that about covers it for the year. Happy new year, everybody! Did we miss any grievances? Let us know in the comments and we’ll rage against them in 2015.