by Piers Rae

September 16, 2014

Reading Time: ( Word Count: )

Hello There

Evan Elberson is a writer, copywriter, and comedian based out of Chicago. He spends his spare time dabbling in wild flights of fancy, free-form mono-conversation, and biting satire of day-to-day mundanity. Evan has been kind enough to share them here with the Caotica audience. The first in a series of stories and lists from his sharp and incisive mind appears here before you, free of charge, today. Enjoy.


My Brain: Do you want to have kids?

Me: Eh, I don’t think so.

My Brain: Why not?

Me: I don’t know. It looks like it sucks.

My Brain: Then who’s gonna take care of you when you’re old?

Me: Oh shit, I don’t know…

My Brain: Wait, hold on, sorry, with all the money you’ll save from not having kids you’ll be able to afford a pretty kick ass nursing home.

Me: Right. Good.

My Brian: But what about the gift of creating life?

Me: Sounds lame.

My Brain: So everyone who has kids is lame?

Me: Of course not.

My Brain: But your mom wants grandchildren.

Me: I don’t care.

My Brain: Your life will never be complete if you don’t have kids.

Me: That’s not true.

My Brain: That’s why we’re here, to survive and replicate, right?

Me: We’re here because of a bunch of random shit exploded everywhere. Life is meaningless.

My Brain: Isn’t that kind of depressing?

Me: Not at all.

My Brain: But isn’t any relationship you have after thirty going to fall apart if you say you don’t want children?

Me: All relationships fall apart eventually, in some way.

My Brain: Don’t you want your genes to live on?

Me: I don’t give a shit.

My Brain: Don’t you want to teach your son to throw a ball or watch your daughter sing in the school play?

Me: No.

My Brain: All your friends will have kids and you’ll be weird for not having them.

Me: Okay?

My Brain: Are you that selfish? Is it all about you? Your whole life is about you and whatyou want?

Me: No.

My Brain: You’re going to be a sad, lonely old man.

Me: No I’m not.

My Brain: So what do you want?

Me: I want to continue to enjoy things. And I want to build things and make them better. I want to fade away into an idea that’s bigger and better than me.

My Brain: Remember that dream you had about – what is it called, is it dark matter? That thing from that TED Talk?

Me: I do.

My Brain: That was nice, wasn’t it?

Me: It was.

My Brain: But wasn’t there someone else in that dream?

Me: I don’t think so. I think it was just me.

My Brain: But dogs, dogs are great.

Me: Yeah.

Showing 1–2 of 4 results

Surrealist Games – The Exquisite Corpse

A piece of paper folded the number of times there are players, each player draws on their section, with a slight overlap on fold to give the next player a starting point, pass it...

Hear Aboriginal Voices Tonight with EVENT

Tonight (Thursday, October 27th) EVENT magazine will be hosting an evening of prose and poetry, showcasing the work of four indigenous writers.