I’m a makeup-oholic. I just can’t get enough makeup-ohol.

I’m not panhandling in front of liquor stores (yet) but every surface I own is covered in makeup and hair products even though half the time I roll out of bed and do my errands without even showering. I rationalize my addiction by pretending I need the off-label uses of my must-haves. This is called a coping mechanism. I tell myself these things to handle the fact that I could easily afford a car if I hadn’t prioritized smearing things on my face and posting the results on Instagram

OPI Top Coat Nail Polish: Use clear nail polish on the inside of metal rings and on earring loops to prevent allergic reactions. Nail polish can also glue the stones back onto that necklace you dropped on the floor and never bothered to fix.

Body Shop Seaweed Clarifying Toner: This’ll clean anything that’s greasy. BTW stop using toner. It’s probably not helping you. Use the Oil Cleansing Method.

Eyeshadow brushes: Use ’em to clean your filthy keyboard and mouse. Dip the brushes in the toner! If you’ve got a pizza face the toner is just dehydrating your ugly mug, but it’ll be great for your expensive brushes. When I upgrade a brush, the crappy ones go live in the plastic tote with the other musical instrument cleaning supplies where they will never be used.

Smashbox Photo Finish Primer: This magic slippy stuff can double as anti-chafing gel to prevent friction burns under your boobs or where your thighs touch when you’re waddling to the fridge. Or instead you can buy the cheaper anti-chafing gel to use on your face. It’s literally the exact same thing, except one isn’t from the yeast infection aisle.

Redken Control Addict Hairspray: Kills spider by fusing them to whatever surface they’re on. Stepping on an encrusted spider is actually worse than stepping on a Lego, because the hairspray makes the spider stick to your foot and I start screaming and almost fall down the stairs. It also freezes flies in mid-flight. My old roommate said this happens because hairspray is an aerosol, not because of any particular thing in the hairspray. I didn’t believe him, but he’s a doctor now so I guess he was right.

Venus Razor Blades: i.e. the reason you keep that one friend who has a Costco membership. Use old blades to scrape the fuzzies that show up on yoga pants where your legs rub together, fatty.

Sephora Eyelash Curler: Doubles as a fashionable cigarette holder. Just don’t get confused and burn your retina.

Beauty Secrets Acetone Nail Polish Remover: You can use acetone to remove lipstick and other grease stains from clothes if you want to start a fire in your dryer. I suggest using it to remove the sticky residue from price stickers so you can remove the reminder that you’re spending money you don’t have.

Nivea Creme: Use a soft cloth to rub some creme on treated leather. It polishes the treatment, not the leather, so calm down, it won’t destroy your bag, unless it does. Spot-test first. But if you trust something on your face but not on post-treated cow hide then you’ve got some priority issues.

Those are all my excuses. You can also justify red lipstick if you don’t feel like paying for drinks at the bar. I haven’t bought many new cosmetics lately because I already own all the cosmetics. I’m literally waiting for them to invent more. Until then, don’t forget about my Instagram.

The Shop at…Books and Music